What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 00:30
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We were not on the streets..
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Would this be the day?
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I think the readers, may guess!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
What are the main issues that have historically and currently divided Republicans and Democrats?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We all went to grammer schools
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Which country has the best and strictest legal system in the world?
I was 9 years of age.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So whats the point in blame.
All the time i was locked up.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is soul school!.
Why do companies cull employees during financial downturns without saying so?
What did i know ?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why do men love boobs (irrespective of big or small)?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I will be 64.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He knew the spot.
When she asked me how she looked .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Put me off passion for life!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I write beautiful poetry .
It was going to be , some day.
My life is so biszare .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She wouldn,t have been !
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was scared of men, in general
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Who then, do I blame.?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I have no regrets .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was very sick at this time too.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I don,t even have a pension.
So, i spoilt her more .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I said to her
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
(And it was in our own minds.)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i do to all so called friends.?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She was in good health!
I waited trembling.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She married twice! .
And i lived it daily.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I couldn’t, believe it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Comes on , in middle age.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ive learnt so much.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im still living with it.
But it wasn’t much.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She loved him until the end.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She found it foreign!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot live in the past .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was seconnd youngest,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But, we were locked up after school.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Was to survive, this bastard.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.